11.18.15

Developing My Emotional Vocabulary...

How do you convey what you think, feel, see when you don't know the words for the shape, taste, texture and touch...

How do you cry 500 different types of tears that have no name and yet each wets varying parts of the heart, the soul, and the mind - each one feels different when it lands - this one is sharper, this one is deeper, this one tears my flesh and these ones soothe my soul.

How many different flavors of pain have you tasted in a lifetime...pain that is a ancient ache, a breathtaking burn, cavernous calm, devastational deluge, engulfing enigma, fearlessly finite, gloriously gargantuan, hauntingly heartfelt, icily ironic, jauntily judgmental, keenly kinetic, lusciously languid, melodiously mournful, neatly numb, orgiastically orgasmic, pulsing palpitations, quirkily quixotic, ravenous rage, sadistic salvation, tediously tiring, unnervingly ubiquitous, valiantly vulnerable, wondrously wistful, XL XXX, yearningly yen, zesty and zaftig

How many ways can I miss you....achingly, longingly, wistfully, cravenly

How do I tell you that I'm afraid....that I feel sick at the thought of not seeing you again, that I don't know if you'll love me when I'm weak, that one day you'll look beside you and the glow that made your eye light up and dance will be dulled and no longer be pulled towards me...

How do I explain how no one that no one I've loved has loved me back at the same time and the same intensity without making me run for the hills...

How do I trust.....that what you say is real, that you mean it now, that you'll mean it tomorrow, that you'll mean it forever and ever and ever....

How do I say I'm hurt....when you haven't struck me yet, but I know that you will....not with fist, or words, but with unfulfilled expectations....

How do I say I'm Lustful....for a body that overpowers mine and makes me feel small and weak in the best possible ways...for the husky sound of your breath as you enter me...for the touch of your velvet skin sliding along mine damp with sweat

How do I say I'm falling....that when I see myself through your eyes I see someone I once thought I saw in myself but that I lost long ago. That you're taking the hand of the little girl inside me that's been hiding in the corners and asking her to play...that your breath on the back of my neck feels like you're stroking my soul....that your arms around my waist pulling close is melding my pieces back together

How do I say I love....that I need no grand gestures, no extravagant gifts, but a kind word, a longing gaze, a bowl of fruit near an open window, a soft snore as you snuggle in and hold me closer

How do I say that I'm frustrated...that I can't seem to be close enough when you're naked beside me, that I want it to be "and they lived happily ever after" now without having missed a moment of the in-betweens, that I can't just see myself through your eye to find out what you see in me that makes you want to stay

How do I say that I'm joyful....that I get to feel like I was beginning to think I might never again, that my heart if even for a while has found a kindred spirit

How do I say I'm Infatuated.....with the passion you bring to seemingly everything you do, with the little curls in your tousled hair, with soft kisses that are gentle and kind, with fucking that is neither of those

How do I say I feel brave...that the way you look at me makes me want to be the person that you think you see inside me..that your strength makes me strong too....that what I see as possible makes me willing to try and step out of my own way and my own fears to dive deeper into you...

How do I say I feel vulnerable...that I've opened up to you in ways that I'm never truly opened up to another person...that you'll see what's inside and find me wanting....that as I pull off my armor I'm baring a heart that has only recently healed and I terrified that if it breaks again I may never be able to put it back together.

How do I say I'm trying....trying to be vulnerable and brave and joyful....trying turn that infatuation into trust....trying to turn that falling into love....trying to learn that language that will let my heart speak rather than just my mind.