11.10.15
"Yesterday is over, therefore you cannot edit its work" - whoa - words for this exercise, words for life...the desire to look back, to want to tweak, to want to craft and mold and get it just right....but sometimes you just have to live with what is...what was...what fell into place while you were in flow and not watching your step.
Today I find myself wanting to flash forward and fall back...both clearly avoiding the hear and now....
Trust your gut...I've grown so accustomed to questioning and doubting every single thing I do or say or feel...that I don't trust any of it.
My gut is jaded and cautious...my gut is wary and wanton...she wants to dive head first into an ocean and a brick wall both at the same time....
You're too cautious You're too trusting You're too jaded You're too naive
Just let go and let it happen...but watch your step
Trust your heart...but listen to your head
I'm terrified....all the time really....except when I'm numb
Numb was cold, but it was safe....it was boring, but it was secure
And then like a tidal wave they were back....the EMOTIONS...the FEELINGS...ALL OF THE FEELINGS....AACK....
I watched a movie once of a surfer almost being drowned....every time she almost made it to the surface she was slammed with another wave...and even when she was underwater she was churned by forces above and below...
That's what it felt like 2 years ago for me...
And when I wasn't frozen stiff in pain, I was filled with hope and love and curiosity and mirth and jealously and happiness and wonder and joy...and even the pain had a tinge of sweetness...as if I could now feel its contours and texture rather than just its depths
And I've fought....fought to keep ahold of that wonder...and also to the pain....because at least I'm feeling something....and most days I believe that that is worth it and the days that I don't....I have to believe that I'll want to some day again.
Because if they go away again, I don't know that they'll ever come back.....fool me once and all....shame on me
And then there is now....when I'm with you and it's all infinite possibility and promise and warmth and passion and yummy gooey goodness....
With great passion comes great repsonsibility.....but whose....
Mine to go all the way in but not too far....when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back into you
Yours...do you really love me....if you do..even a little...I beg of you...be gentle...tread carefully on the new skin across my heart...I come out all fire and ice and rage and pride...but I'm really a little girl in her mothers heels and I'm teetering across the floor trying desperately to balance between fear and love...
And when I fall I want to fall into you and be caught in a tide of love and acceptance and laughter and strength and pride...
And I want to pull you closer and closer into me...tuck you in side my soul....feel your heart beat against mine and feel you breath I love you across the back of my neck and into my soul
You scramble my brain..
You went on a date on Sunday...really mother fucker.....I ent the day thinking about you and you were elsewhere with someone who meant nothing...why...why betray the beginning with such trite bullshit...was she worth it...to tarnish such magic....spit on the alter....
I don't know if I have the strength to love you....what is the price of passion....what's the cost to my heart...my spirit....my soul...to feel a connection...to feel the joining...to feel the true entwing of souls who've never met but have known each other forever
Is it magic for you? Is it just me? Is this the spell you put on everyone who comes within your radius...and I'm but another acolyte...praying at your alter of personality
Cult of personality....
Your heart talking to my heart....heart harmony....soul soliloquy....mind matriculation
What part of you is talking to what part of me that makes me crazy happy manic magic Y You you you...touching me...kissing me...stroking my mind my body my nipple my heart my....soul?
Touching talking stroking...branding? Brand strand distraction....
And that's the moment I recognized that life has reversed the mirror and everything I've ever felt in my life has come down to the simple self questioning of "why me", "why now", "is this right" and upon asking these simple questions I said to myself. "Yes, yes, YES". To fear failure is to be dead.
"Yesterday is over, therefore you cannot edit its work" - whoa - words for this exercise, words for life...the desire to look back, to want to tweak, to want to craft and mold and get it just right....but sometimes you just have to live with what is...what was...what fell into place while you were in flow and not watching your step.
Today I find myself wanting to flash forward and fall back...both clearly avoiding the hear and now....
Trust your gut...I've grown so accustomed to questioning and doubting every single thing I do or say or feel...that I don't trust any of it.
My gut is jaded and cautious...my gut is wary and wanton...she wants to dive head first into an ocean and a brick wall both at the same time....
You're too cautious You're too trusting You're too jaded You're too naive
Just let go and let it happen...but watch your step
Trust your heart...but listen to your head
I'm terrified....all the time really....except when I'm numb
Numb was cold, but it was safe....it was boring, but it was secure
And then like a tidal wave they were back....the EMOTIONS...the FEELINGS...ALL OF THE FEELINGS....AACK....
I watched a movie once of a surfer almost being drowned....every time she almost made it to the surface she was slammed with another wave...and even when she was underwater she was churned by forces above and below...
That's what it felt like 2 years ago for me...
And when I wasn't frozen stiff in pain, I was filled with hope and love and curiosity and mirth and jealously and happiness and wonder and joy...and even the pain had a tinge of sweetness...as if I could now feel its contours and texture rather than just its depths
And I've fought....fought to keep ahold of that wonder...and also to the pain....because at least I'm feeling something....and most days I believe that that is worth it and the days that I don't....I have to believe that I'll want to some day again.
Because if they go away again, I don't know that they'll ever come back.....fool me once and all....shame on me
And then there is now....when I'm with you and it's all infinite possibility and promise and warmth and passion and yummy gooey goodness....
With great passion comes great repsonsibility.....but whose....
Mine to go all the way in but not too far....when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back into you
Yours...do you really love me....if you do..even a little...I beg of you...be gentle...tread carefully on the new skin across my heart...I come out all fire and ice and rage and pride...but I'm really a little girl in her mothers heels and I'm teetering across the floor trying desperately to balance between fear and love...
And when I fall I want to fall into you and be caught in a tide of love and acceptance and laughter and strength and pride...
And I want to pull you closer and closer into me...tuck you in side my soul....feel your heart beat against mine and feel you breath I love you across the back of my neck and into my soul
You scramble my brain..
You went on a date on Sunday...really mother fucker.....I ent the day thinking about you and you were elsewhere with someone who meant nothing...why...why betray the beginning with such trite bullshit...was she worth it...to tarnish such magic....spit on the alter....
I don't know if I have the strength to love you....what is the price of passion....what's the cost to my heart...my spirit....my soul...to feel a connection...to feel the joining...to feel the true entwing of souls who've never met but have known each other forever
Is it magic for you? Is it just me? Is this the spell you put on everyone who comes within your radius...and I'm but another acolyte...praying at your alter of personality
Cult of personality....
Your heart talking to my heart....heart harmony....soul soliloquy....mind matriculation
What part of you is talking to what part of me that makes me crazy happy manic magic Y You you you...touching me...kissing me...stroking my mind my body my nipple my heart my....soul?
Touching talking stroking...branding? Brand strand distraction....
And that's the moment I recognized that life has reversed the mirror and everything I've ever felt in my life has come down to the simple self questioning of "why me", "why now", "is this right" and upon asking these simple questions I said to myself. "Yes, yes, YES". To fear failure is to be dead.
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